Thursday, 5 March 2009

Jocky's Cousin Colin and Up Yer Bum, Too

You have to humiliate yourself once in a while. Who's ever gone abroad and NOT made a tit of themselves? No, didn't think so.

Jocky has a cousin from Jockland, Colin, who has lived in Australia for 40 years (they'd never met before), yet not lost his accent or Scottish sense of style or class (ahem). Before I'd met him, Jocky had painted a picture of a Celtic wildman with lots of bizarre tattoos (he'd just had a Redback spider done on his thigh before we arrived). And Colin is hilarious. I hit it off with him straight away, but think maybe Jocky had been a wee bit nervous about his cousin and his antics, as it seemed he'd been trying to prepare us before we met him. No need. He'd told me that Col had been born in England, then realised his mistake as he saw the glint in my eye.

"Don't say anything...he might get violent" he begged.
"As if?" I smiled.
We arrived at Col's boat and were welcomed aboard.
"Pleased to meet you Colin. What's this I hear about you being English?"
Col howled with laughter...he definitely appreciated a fellow wind-up merchant.

Col's vessel is called Upyerbum II. This caused consternation among some sniffy mariners where he's moored. One woman stopped him and said "Colin, I find the name of your boat offensive?"

"Upyerbum?" he said, pronouncing it as a foreign word.
"I'm sorry?"
"It's Gaelic for 'Good Health'"
"Is it? Oh..." she wandered off, bemused.

Now Colin plays a trick with new people. Jocky had told me about it, but I'd forgotten the punchline. It involves two people taking it in turns to whack each other over the head with a spoon held between the teeth (these Scottish types, eh? Easily amused). Pissed, I agreed to play, vauguely remembering Jocky telling me the punchline of sorts. Col's mate went first (we'll call him Sloth, from the Goonies, as I forget his name). Didn't hurt a bit, so I was puzzled when I landed a blow on him and he cried out. We carried on. And on. Everyone was asking why the blows on my head didn't hurt? Wasn't particularly painful, I said. Everyone was in stitches. Especially when Colin, who'd been standing behind me all the while and cracking me with a wooden spoon as Sloth took his shot, actually snapped it over my head. Jocky was most amused, said it had made his trip. Twat. But silly me for forgetting the rest of the game wen he'd told me about it the first time, eh?

Col insisted on spending $100 dollars on pizzas for us all. We'd drunk every drop of booze on board too, and headed home after what was a fantastic afternoon on his boat. He's a very funny and generous bloke, and great company. Up Yer Bum indeed, Col.

No comments: